Dear Friend,
In my experience, the three most important parenting skills to hone and master are Presence, Patience and Perspective.
I call them the “3-Ps of Parenting”.
Here’s what these words mean in the context of parenting and why I feel mastering these skills is so very important.
PRESENCE
Presence is about Fully Being There With Your Child.
The parenting skill of Presence is your ability to bring yourself into the moment when you are around your kids. This means not being lost in thought or worry.
There will always be something that seems more important (in that moment) than listening to your kid drone on about her new makeup or what a kid did this morning in their homeroom class. And we all know that, in the long run, what really matters to us as parents is connecting with our kids while we still have the opportunity.
Life requires our attention. Everyday life, if it has its way, will keep your attention 24-7. This includes dealing with important matters like work, paying bills, and other relationships, as well as our often subconscious reactions to the constant squawking of media advertising and daily news events, among other things.
Most of us like a bit of variety in our life. We want to spend quality time with our kids. AND, we also enjoy hobbies, time to ourselves, and we want and need to take care of practical matters and our other relationships, too.
The good news is that our kids don’t need hours of our attention each day to grow up healthy and happy. Of course, if you want to spend hours each day with them because you really enjoy doing that, then go for it! If not, that’s OK too.
Just make sure that, when you are with them, that you give them your undivided attention for at least a little while. Better yet, make it a habit. Sit down with them. Put down your phone. Force yourself to stop worrying and planning for just a few moments. Look your child in the eyes and say, “So, what’s up?” And then just listen.
Make a habit of doing this once a day if you can. What they talk about doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are showing them that whatever they consider to be important in that moment is also important to you. Not simply because you find what they have to say personally fascinating. But because it is coming from THEM. And anything that is important to them is a part of them, and therefore it’s important to you.
Through being present with your child you are communicating to them that all aspects of themselves are not only OK, they are important, too. You are giving your child the permission and encouragement to dare to believe that they matter in the world. That what they think and what they feel matter. That their unique viewpoint and their unique set of life experiences matter. In the end, mastering and exercising the parenting skill of presence with your child helps him or her to develop the courage to boldly be themselves in our crowded and competitive society.
So, whenever someone challenges who your child is and/or what they say, at least they will already know, deep in their heart, that someone who really matters to them (you) believes in them, and that perhaps this challenger is simply mistaken, or just doesn’t get your child’s unique and valuable point of view. And that is OK. OK for your child, OK for the challenger, and OK for the world.
PATIENCE
Patience is about Waiting Until the Time is Right.
The parenting skill of Patience is well known. Kids are famous for trying our patience, especially as teens.
Parenting without patience isn’t parenting at all, in my opinion.
When I speak of patience, I’m not just referring to dealing with difficult child behaviors. I am also referring to being attuned to your child in such a way that you have a good sense for when it’s a good time to bring up a difficult topic or for when your child is ready to talk about something that’s on their mind.
Exercising patience means that you are listening to that attunement to their state of mind and emotions, and you are not pushing your child simply because it is more convenient for you, or because your friend’s kid has done or learned the topic already.
Patience can play an important role in teaching kids as well.
Different kids learn at different rates, and in different ways. Some kids, no matter how intelligent, may need more time than others to pick up on new concepts.
Try to catch yourself pushing your own agendas on your kids. Are you doing this because you really believe that what you have to say will make their life better? Or are you just looking for a household ally for a particular viewpoint you nurture?
If you believe that it is important that your children learn about or understand something, but they show little or no interest in that topic, try not to leave in a huff. Put your desire to teach them about the topic in your “to do” folder. Look for unique opportunities to present the topic, or for unique ways to present it, that are connected to other topics that you know or can see that they ARE interested in. Kids learn best when their interest is peaked and when they can connect what they are learning with something that already matters to them.
PERSPECTIVE
Perspective is about Getting Their World.
The parenting skill of Perspective refers to your ability as a parent to put yourself into your child’s shoes, particularly in those moments that you are interacting with them.
It’s about doing your best to see and appreciate their world through their eyes. Getting down on their level. Checking out the stuff that they talk about.
Developing real understanding of your child’s perspective will not only help you to better understand them and their behavior, it will also communicate to your kids that you actually care about the way that they see our world.
EVERYONE wants to be seen and understood, particularly by the people who really matter to them. Making an effort to “get” your child’s world is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to him or her. It’s also a great way to help you to more closely bond with your child, which can then lead to more intimacy and warmth in your relationship with them and to less fighting and conflict in your household in general.
Mastering the 3-Ps of Parenting is a constant work in progress for me. It’s also the best thing that I’ve ever done, not only to be a better parent, but also to make parenting a much more fun, interesting, peaceful, and ultimately satisfying experience.
All the best,
Hugh 🙂
P.S.: Don’t forget to leave a comment below! I love to hear from you! 🙂
