8 Secrets to a Healthy Relationship

Building Your Relationship

Dear Friend,

Ever wonder what makes and keeps a relationship healthy?

What is the secret to relationships that bounce back from hardship instead of just failing?  Bruce Fountain, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, has identified eight habits that seem common to all healthy relationships.  Follow these rules and you just might find your life a lot happier.

The 8 Secrets to a Healthy Relationship

Secret #1 – Turn to Your Partner to Solve Problems Within Your Relationship.

Do you have a tendency to seek help from friends and family without ever expressing your needs to your spouse?  You aren’t alone. Yet to grow closer to each other you need to seek soothing within your relationship and offer it to your partner as well. Each of you needs to focus on making it safe for your partner to approach you. Remember to withhold judgment and criticism and stay solution oriented.

Secret #2 – Include Some Type of Spiritual Practice in Your Relationship.

Sometimes your relationship will face problems that seem stronger than you can handle.  Infidelity, financial problems or the death of a child are examples. The sincere belief in a divine source and a trusting relationship with that source can offer stronger shoulders than your own and help you both find the strength you need in challenging times.

Secret #3 – Put Each Other First.

This sounds nice, yet most couples, in my experience, don’t do this.  It’s as if they know the kids are forever but the marriage may not be, and they hedge their bets.  Or they organize their life around their kids instead of making the children fit into their lives. They define themselves as parents, and stop having meaningful lives outside of that role.  Or they put a birth parent or other person as a priority ahead of their partner.

Putting your relationship first creates a healthy structure for the family. The greatest gift a child can receive is two parents who love each other and model a healthy relationship. Children who are kept out of the middle and in their place have less anxiety and feel better about themselves. Putting children first in a family sets them up to believe that the world revolves around them. They will be resentful and angry when they find out the harsh reality that they are not the center of the universe. Putting your relationship first also reduces unhealthy alliances that put parents in the friend role with their children.

Secret #4 – Be Open and Honest with Each Other.

Couples that don’t communicate harbor resentments and create distance. A dangerous game of mind reading and jumping to conclusions ultimately leads to ugly arguments and one or both may seek support outside of the relationship. Couples who make regular time for each other to talk about problems or just to talk know what is wrong and can usually brainstorm solutions. They give each other feedback and state their needs directly.

Secret #5 – Fight Fair.

During an argument couples may resort to attacking each other’s character. “You are a lousy mother”. “You’re a loser”. “You never do anything around here”. These kinds of attacks will almost always provoke a counter attack and escalate out of control. Fighting fair means identifying issues one at a time and the offended person saying what he or she would like to have instead. Use “I- statements” and take responsibility for thoughts and feelings. Keep the conversation focused on now.  Don’t drag past failures into the discussion.

Secret #6 – Learn the Art of Stroking.

Healthy couples highlight what they love about each other and give compliments freely. They make an effort to tell each other how much they love one another and how lucky they are to have one another. Stroking needs to be sincere and not focused on any particular outcome.  If it leads to sex, that’s great.  But learn to enjoy stroking for its own sake, without further expectations.

Secret #7 – Make Each Other Laugh.

Healthy couples share a great sense of humor. They create fun. They see the humor even in the most challenging situations. Laughter is a natural antidepressant and can turn a bad mood around quickly.

Secret #8 – Don’t Take Things Personally.

You are not responsible for the behavior of others. Nor does the world revolve around you. When you are blamed or criticized find the truth of the matter and admit it, even if it is minuscule, without getting defensive. Don’t pout, sulk, or rage like someone who blames others for his unhappiness.

Find Real Intimacy in Your Relationship

Following these 8 secrets can create greater trust and intimacy between you and your partner.  In the end, it is that intimacy that will bind you together.

How many of these habits do you and your partner practice?  Talk about it and get started down the road to a better, more satisfying life together.

All the best,

Hugh