Dear Friend,
One of the greatest problems that families have in improving the quality of their lives together is the common reality that the parents themselves don’t agree on what the family priorities should be.
In fact, many men find themselves confused and saddened by their family life, especially as it relates to their relationship to their wife.
A common complaint seems to be that, once the children are born, the husband becomes an ignored accessory, whose purpose for existing in the family hierarchy is to do the stuff his wife doesn’t want to do (like plunging the toilet), but who otherwise no longer feels a central part of the family in the eyes of his wife.
I like to call this the “sperm donor syndrome.” After children are born, many men find themselves marginalized by their wives, who seem to trade in their identity as a woman and wife for the exclusive identity of “mommy.” “Hubby is a big boy. He can take care of himself. How dare he put more burdens on me. Why, he’s just another baby in the house!”
Any of this sound familiar? Some folks laugh at this stuff. It does seem to have become so commonplace as to be a caricature of married life “after kids.”
The problem is, this type of attitude by wives destroys marriages, and yet many women seem to be clueless about what they are doing.
From a man’s point of view, when their wife fills her schedule up with every possible activity except spending time with her husband or doing things with him, on occasion, that he enjoys, the wife has abandoned him.
This is the experience of millions of men around the world, but particularly in Western countries. The result is often husbands and fathers who avoid their family rather than face being regularly reminded of how unimportant they now are at home.
I know that some men deserve the negative labels that they receive in their marriage. But I submit that most men aren’t pigs, and shouldn’t be treated like doormats either.
This is not a popular problem to discuss. And you won’t find huge amounts written about it, either. However, until men are fully engaged in the family, there can be no complete family.
I submit that men intentionally disengage from their families after children are born because they are often, in effect, invited to disengage by the women they love. They feel ignored and marginalized by their wives, and no longer identify their family life as a potential source of positive energy.
If you are a husband, then you are probably quite aware of what I am talking about. If you are a wife, perhaps you think I’ve lost my mind? That I’m a biased male who hasn’t a clue?
If you are a wife and mother, and you are serious about taking your family life to the next level, then I strongly suggest that you take some quiet time, perhaps let your husband read this post, and then listen to what he says.
You just might be amazed by what you learn. And you will definitely improve the chances that he will join you in your quest for a fantastic family life.
Talk to you soon,
Hugh
