Dear Friend,
As a parent, I sometimes think about what kind of advice I will give my kids when they begin dating, and looking for a special someone in their lives.
Of course, my children are still young. Nevertheless, you’re talking to the guy who was checking out private school options in my community years before I got married. I wasn’t in a hurry to have kids, mind you. I just like to be prepared.
One of the thoughts that I had recently along these lines was that people really have no business getting into a serious relationship with somebody until they already have secured a successful relationship with themselves.
I know that in my marriage things have not always gone smoothly. And my wife and I have responded proactively with marriage counseling on and off for over eight years.
The biggest thing that I learned from this counseling was that, although I generally went into it with the idea that something was wrong with her and that she needed to change, I always came out of these sessions realizing that the real problems lay inside of me. Unresolved issues. Fears that I had never faced. Or just the fact that I really did not understand myself as well as I thought that I did. Couples counseling always morphed into individual counseling. And we both grew up a lot as a result.
Ultimately I have come to believe that the greatest and most important relationship that you must cultivate during your lifetime is the relationship with yourself. Only when you are comfortable with the whole of who you are can you have a truly powerful and lasting relationship with another.
So when my kids get ready to get serious about someone, I’m going to advise them that any baggage that they carry today will just come back to haunt them later in their new relationship.
Wanna meet a great guy or gal? Sure, clean yourself up. Get buff. Dress sharply. But if you really want to get in shape for the dating scene, learn to love you. Accept yourself fully. Deal with your baggage so that your new loved one won’t have to. It’s the greatest gift that you will ever give to them. And to you.
Talk to you soon,
Hugh
