Dear Friend,
My family had a birthday party for my mom yesterday. She’s 74 years old, and in good health. Just about everyone was there, except one of my sisters (no explanation), my other sister’s daughter (some bad blood with her mom there), and my oldest son.
I was responsible for my oldest son not making the party. You see, he was spending the weekend at his best friend’s house. He has such a great time when he is there.
Now, of all of my kids, my eldest really works hard to be of help to the family. His efforts are not totally unselfish, of course, and that’s OK with me. He has learned that, generally speaking, you have to give to get in this world. And as a result of his extra efforts, I try to make some special effort in his favor when I can, without generating jealousies from the rest of my crew.
I had told him originally that it was fine for him to spend the weekend at his friend’s house. I had forgotten about the birthday party. When my wife realized this on the day of the party she thought it best to go get him. I told her not to. I promised to talk to my mom about it and, in fact she was cool with it. She just asked that he stop by her house today after school so she could spend some time with him. I thought that was a great idea.
Here were my reasons for leaving my son alone. I’d like your opinion whether I was right or wrong and what you might have done under the same circumstances:
1. He has been so excited about this sleepover, and I did not want to spoil it for him.
2. He sees my mom almost every day, as she lives nearby.
3. I thought that the surprise change of plans might make him resent mandatory family gatherings more than he already does.
4. Although he would be missed by some family members, I really wanted to stand up for his happiness at that moment.
My wife disagreed. She felt that there are just some things that have to be done, and that was that. Family responsibilities are a very big deal to my wife. Yet, to her credit, she let me run with this one. I try a more unconventional approach of balancing individual happiness with what I view as the deeper significance of the particular event (or lack thereof) at the particular moment.
I don’t know. Maybe my wife was right. My sister said I was just spoiling my son. Maybe I just wanted to win points with him since just the other day he told me how happy he was that I was his dad. :-))
Maybe my son is playing me? He is a shrewd guy (but a very good hearted one, and not at all spoiled, thank god). If he is playing me, he is very good at it (and I have to admit that I’m kind of impressed with that). He has never pushed matters with me, so he has earned some leeway.
Maybe it was just one of the thousands of little judgment calls and balancing acts that we engage in as parents, everyday. Who knows.
In the long run, as long as I don’t screw my kids up too much, I figure that I’ve probably done as well as I can, anyway.
Oh well. I’d love to hear your thoughts, or just hear from you on any topic of interest. I love to chat about things that help us to learn and grow.
Wishing you a great week,
Hugh
